Precept Press

Before you actually believe any of this is true, you should probably read the disclaimer

Craig Ineson

Company boss desperate for new staff were shocked when non-staff did not turn up for their non-job. The car sales firm (Car Smart) has blamed the benefits system for giving too little motivation to take up positions paid less than National Minimum Wage.

Car Smart “employed” seven new “staff” on a £100 a week starter wage, only to move on (if successful) to the King’s Ransom of National Minimum Wage plus commission.

The director, Stefan Black, believes that most of the “employees” didn’t feel coming to work was worth they’re time.

Bertram Wooster, our resident expert on employment law, tells us “Well, for that non-wage, it’s not. Only an uneducated dolt would think otherwise.”

Carl Cooper of Car Smart is believed to be “Annoyed”.

Bertram Wooster commented: “If I was him, I’d be annoyed too. He looks like the constipated love-child of Aleksandr Orlov, of Meerkovo fame, and James William Bottomtooth III from Family Guy”,

He continued “Although I normally charge £250 per hour for this consultancy, this one’s on me… Car Smart, if you’re that desperate for new staff, why don’t you actually employ people rather than using exploitative recruitment practices that devalues and exploits the labour of young people?”

Noticing that Bertram was actually turning into the Hulk at this point, I guided him to his cage before he smashed someone into a fine, bloody mist.

Although Car Smart are shocked that none of their “employees” shown up, this publication is not.

We are actually shocked that Car Smart would be so brazen and foolish to declare to the world that they are willingly breaching National Minimum Wage legislation.

If you want to help unemployed youths get off benefits – forget illegal £100 per week trial periods – Actually employ them!

Pay them the National Minimum Wage for every hour worked, as the law demands. Not after two weeks – from day one!

Carl Says:

“These are people who are so morally twisted that they would rather stay on the dole than work.”

“People keep saying there are not enough jobs in the UK but the real problem is that there are not enough determined or ambitious people.”

You’re not part of the solution, Carl. You’re part of the problem.

[Original: Firm hires 7 people... who don't turn up because it's wet and they're tired]

Before you actually believe any of this is true, you should probably read the disclaimer

Craig Ineson

Labour MPs have told Ed Miliband that he needs to take media training amid concerns that he has not yet mastered speaking in “soundbites” that can be edited easily for news bulletins.

“He just chats on about nothing” said one labour MP “I can’t recall him ever saying anything important… Well, we ran out of milk once, so he reminded Derek to pick it up. That was pretty important…”

Our in-house expert on parliamentry affairs, Bertram Wooster, tells us that labour MPs are worried. Labour should be utlising the fact that other political parties are just awful to make them look better.

He commented “The media training element is one thing – but I would say the greater concern is the fact that he looks like one of them dolls whose eyes roll back when you lay them down”.

“He’s just creepy”.

Although L’Oreal have commented that they like Ed Miliband, as his constant demand for “L’Oreal Men Expert Pure & Matt Exfoliating Gel” to unshine his huge forehead keeps them in business, Bertram Wooster believes that simply because the industry likes Ed doesn’t mean the people will.

“He has all the grace of a fried egg in a tumble drier… Media Training? He needs a face transplant…”

He adds “Face transplants have been successfully performed recently, which is good news for Ed. Unfortunately for the current Deputy PM, medical science has only come so far, and a successful spine transplant proecedure is yet to be developped”.

[Labour MPs tell Ed Miliband to take media training: Here, Liberal Democrats admit interns will not receive salary: Here]

Before you actually believe any of this is true, you should probably read the disclaimer

Thomas Phillips

Incumbent Mayor of London Boris Johnson last night threatened to kick Ken Livingstone’s spine through his hat, it has emerged.

The fracas ensued after Mr Livingstone – the Labour Party’s candidate for London Mayor – allegedly pinched Mr Johnson’s bottom and remarked “Woy-oy, you bloody woofter!” as he was stepping into a lift. Mr Livingstone then proceeded to walk in a circle on the sides of his feet, imitating the famous actor Danny Dyer.

According to our correspondent, Bertram Wooster, who was present at the scene, Boris responded by saying: “What ho! I say, Old Toad, that’s a frightfully oikish thing to do to a chap, Old Wibble. Now turn around and pull your pants down you fucking cricket.”

According to our political analyst, Trampton Fromwibbler, the scrap between the two Mayoral candidates is objectively more important than their respective views on multiculturalism, the economy, and wobbly busses.

“The thing about this story is that it forces the electorate to imagine what Ken Livingstone’s bum looks like. I’ve seen it, and it happens to be a scrawny little streak of gristle with a newt tattooed on the left cheek,” reports Fromwibbler.

Neither Boris nor Ken was available for comment.

Before you actually believe any of this is true, you should probably read the disclaimer

Gabrielle Morley-Ham

The sleepy life of a small country village was shattered last night on the arrival of police, storming the neighborhood in search of Joseph Smith, local pub landlord now considered a ‘danger to society.’

A spokesperson for the local police service declares; “It was on nightly review of our CCTV footage of this particular street, when we noticed the offence hanging audaciously outside Mr Smith’s Public House.” This handcrafted advertisement featured the promotional slogan; “In it to win it 2012” followed by an invitation to “be part of it here!”

The public are warned that Joseph Smith remains at large, but are assured that the Police are doing all within their power to confirm his whereabouts.

It would appear that this is just one isolated incident within a mass pandemic of criminal activity grasping hold of the nation in the run up to the London Olympics this summer.

Precept Press managed to secure an interview with Sergeant Taylor, in which he expressed his concerns on the matter: “The public are getting unruly, if we carry on the way we’re going it won’t be long until we’ll be walking down the street, past corner shops and small businesses, brazenly displaying the Olympic rings or even the words ‘London’ and ‘Games’ in close proximity to one another.”

A small jewelry chain in the UK has recently been issued with a police warning regarding the illicit front page of their yearly promotional magazine. The publication depicts five hands, interlocked, each sporting one of the businesses latest range of engagement rings. Understandably this has been under close scrutiny by Locog over the past weeks, who have reached the conclusion that the congruence between the five olympic rings and the five pieces of circular jewellery is too close to be deemed appropriate.

These small businesses are committing daylight robbery, thieving the right to profit from the games from the multi-national companies and attempting to secure some financial benefit for themselves.

Adidas has paid the going rate of 100 million for the privilege and it is unthinkable that smaller companies who cannot afford such deposit feel they have the right to profit from this national occasion without such investment.

A spokesperson for Locog states: “Harsh censorship laws are the only way in which to ensure these wealthy companies reap the financial reward they deserve.” Out of kindness, Locog have published a list of strict rules, come, ‘guidelines’ which outline the dos and do nots for the public and small business owners to help ensure their obedience.

Precept Press has discovered that these commandments are likely to be extended to cover social media activity also. The public are urged to obey and accept the fact that it is grossly against their rights to publish any personal photographs of the event, taken on any personal photographic devices, on their personal social media pages. Similarly, athletes have been provided with a strict diet plan to ensure that they do not make the mistake of unknowingly consuming any food or drink produced by a company with no financial investment in London 2012.

With the state of public disobedience reaching these gravity-defying heights it is evident that tighter legislation, censorship and surveillance may well be the only way forward.

As a further contribution to the maintenance of business hierarchy and public service, Locog are expected to take steps towards combating unemployment over the coming months. The formation of a pre-emptive offence police force which will create hundreds of jobs is said to be nearing completion. This role will involve the patrolling of streets and if deemed necessary, homes around the UK to ensure all recommended commandments are followed. Details on how to apply coming soon.

[The actual facts can be found under "Olympics 2012: branding 'police' to protect sponsors' exclusive rights": here]

Before you actually believe any of this is true, you should probably read the disclaimer

Craig Ineson

It appears that Apple has noticed a problem with Trojans.

“They appeared around February,” a spokesman told us, “Initially we thought they were part of some elaborate prank, but we started getting slightly concerned when their numbers reached the half-a-million mark”.

An emergency board meeting was then called to discuss what precisely should be done about the growing Trojan problem. Precept Press learns that the board developed a new policy for dealing with the Trojans in the form of politely asking them to leave.

Unfortunately, the only person on-site who was fluent in Ancient Greek had a splitting headache and promptly decided it wasn’t in his contract to speak with Trojans.

Neil told us “I’m a developer –  I’m not employed to speak to people, why are YOU even talking to me?”

Unexpected Gift

“We received a knock on the back door last week. We were presented with smiles and a giant wooden horse,” the spokesperson continued “it was intricately carved and decorated… we were flattered at first!”

The wooden horse was in fact a grand ploy to secure access to Apple’s dining facilities. One outraged member of staff, who wishes to remain anonymous, tells us “There’s never any Greek Yogurt and honey left anymore… They wake up at sunrise, and it’s gone before I even arrive…”

After working for Apple for 14 years, he feels that Apple should be more proactive about the Trojan-Yogurt fiasco.

Historical Immunity

Traditionally, Apple has been immune from invasions by unwanted visitors in the past.

“We’ve got a moat…” said one member of staff, “and so far that’s kept most invaders at bay, but these guys are really good swimmers”.

After years of Trojan invasions at Microsoft HQ, historians are dumbfounded to explain why Apple’s HQ has now attracted the soldiers.

One historian told us: “Although we’re not entirely sure, we do believe that the Trojans never actually discovered America…”, but there is dispute about this in the academic community.

One leading academic on the subject of Greek-American studies, Dr. Franco Popadopalous, Ph.D, tells us that although it is widely believed that Christopher Columbus discovered America, this is wholly political and it was, in fact, Trojans.

A spokesperson from Microsoft claims “Due to our market position, we’re usually the ones who receive unwanted visitors… We’ve constantly got various nasties knocking on our door”. He goes on to say that “We’ve developed a comprehensive policy to deal with such unwanted visitors… We lock the door, and when they arrive we tell them ‘No! You’re not coming in!’ with a stern voice and a disapproving look”.

The policy has been a great success.

Solutions on the Horizen

Although many security firms have provided instructions on removing unwanted stray Trojans that appear in their homes, the Apple board are currently considering a comprehensive set of measures, including plans to shoo the Trojans off their premises, introducing a small number of Spartans into the equation (it is estimated about 300 would do it), or offering them the chance to join the pension scheme in exchange for going away.

It is hoped this policy will work better than previous plans, but that remains to be seen.

[The actual facts relating to Apple and flashback trojan can be found: here and an update here]